The word and concept of toxic are thrown around too easily, and often as pretext for ignoring the other person or worse - treating the person with toxicity. Gary Thomas writes about the toxic individual - the ones that are not just difficult or or sometimes unpleasant, but the ones who want to hurt others. The consistently cause chaos, are simply against things, seeking to silence others, attempting to stop the other person from doing what the Lord is inviting them to do, and scapegoating. He helps to define the characteristics of a toxic person without demonizing or condoning, but helping those in the grips of the toxic person to recognize the problems. That being toxic might be unconscious, but Gary lists three types: those with a murderous spirit, those with a desire for control, or those who simply love to hate, and any combination of these three. He keeps steering people back to the Christian response - how to ask themselves "What would Jesus NOT do?" He keeps asking the reader "What does your mission require?" not in so many words. He reminds the reader that Jesus walked away, allowed others to walk away, and, at times, He even sent others away. Gary warns against labeling people toxic for everyone else, and invites the reader to properly discern the issue - is it me, the other, or a combination. Instead of engaging in toxic behavior that gains nothing, he invites the reader to walk away, following the model of our Savior. He readily states that the purpose we walk away is to protect our God-given mission of continuing to seek and advancing the Kingdom of God and love others, not self-defense. He encourages to seek counsel and relationships from reliable people - those that will help in the mission - and keep us in healthy relationships. He helps the reader to see how Christ focused on His mission without being swayed by Judas, and encourages us to learn to be hated even as we love and testify to the truth. He writes that there is evil and this evil can turn good things bad, a sad reality that Christians need to understand. He encourages the reader to keep hope for the redemption of the toxic person by the Lord, but to be aware that people may get hurt. He encourages the reader treat the toxic person as if they are healthy, it is perhaps the only way to allow the toxic person to be alone with their behavior, and to call them out and protect others. This is where labeling a person is helpful - not to dismiss the person, but in humiity to understand the problem and to return to the mission. He confronts, head on, the adage of not being Christian when we limit the toxic person's damage "I thought you were Christian" I thought Christians had to forgive" etc. . He addresses toxicity at work, at Church or christian circle, in marriage and family. Gary shares a beautiful story of what can happen if a married couple allow Christ to transform them individually and together. He also addresses the issue of toxic adult children in a way that is balanced and firm without being overly simplistic. Most importantly, though, Gary addresses the issue of being toxic to oneself by focusing on personal imperfections and failures instead of the grace of Jesus Christ, the fact that we are called, chosen, and loved. Most of all, Gary offers the hope that is ours in Jesus Christ that we can all be redeemed.

I have been blessed by Gary's insight into marriage, relationships and christian growth in his other books, so I was intrigued by his latest book topic. I appreciate the balanced way he approached the subject matter offering a much needed clarification of the Christian's response to toxic people. As a life-long people-pleaser myself, I know that it is easy for some of us to get just plain wore out trying to reason with, inspire or placate toxic people, all the while unintentionally allowing them to do more damage in the process. I was surprised to realize the many times Jesus walked away or let people walk away without the apparent need to fix everyone, or please everyone! Gary tactfully separates the Biblical necessity of identifying the "crazy - making" of toxic people and not engaging in that, or allowing it to cause you to react in kind, with the caution against name-calling or rash judgement of the "difficult" people in your life who may simply have a different perspective or approach than you do. Gary gives important instruction for believers to protect not only their identity in Christ but their mission and purpose, from the chaos toxic people love to create.

Gary Thomas has done it again! He's gifted us with another heart-searching and motive-clarifying book that delves beyond the seen to the unseen. He doesn't simply paste new leaves on a dead tree, but in true Gary Thomas fashion draws us deeper to the roots and addresses the issues of life from a root/heart perspective. "When to Walk Away" is a seemingly strong and different stance from Gary's other books such as Sacred Marriage and Cherish; however, the theme of having and living God's heart of love, truth, mission, and purpose rings clear and true throughout the entire book.

An example of this is found in chapter 9 where Gary talks of how real love for others seeks the truth. Gary states that it is important to truthfully define and label toxic behaviors/individuals. This clarifies a situation and directs the relationship. From the perspective of truth there is safety and clarity. This is the time to examine one's own heart to make sure one's motives and mission are pure and Christlike. Labeling is not name calling. As Gary writes, "The fruit of labeling is positive . . . the motivation is love. . . We're not seeking harm; we're seeking to understand and discern how best to serve God. The fruit of name calling is destructive. It's about destroying someone's reputation" (p. 92).

I really appreciate Gary's honesty and Christlike heart. This book addresses the gamut of toxic relationships and gives clear guidelines on how to know when to walk away from these relationships and best serve God in the midst of toxic situations. Definitely an inspiring and self-challenging must-read book!

Don't let the title fool you, true to form, Gary is NOT giving permission to walk away from every difficult relationship. On the contrary, Gary's latest book "When to Walk Away" guides the reader into understanding toxic relationships, determining when it is in the best interest of God's mission to walk away, how to respond in a healthy manner when it is not possible to walk away and even how to handle the revelation that YOU may be the toxic person. Gary's books are not self help books ... they are relationship help books. "When to Walk Away is no exception. If you are a Christian struggling with doing the right thing, loving well in a difficult relationship, I highly recommend reading this book. You may find more than you where looking for... I sure did!

Anything Gary Thomas writes, I'm reading. His research combined with powerful truths always hooks me. His newest book may be my favorite one yet. He uses Scripture to deliver helpful and healing advice that may sound different from anything you've heard before.

Gary Thomas says that he quotes Scripture more in this book than he has done in any other that he has written. I'm glad he did. He gave me brand-new insights into how Jesus dealt with toxic people. For example, Gary writes that Jesus delivered some of his most powerful teachings after Judas left the group the night before Jesus was crucified. The toxic person's discharge made way for truth that was not deliverable up to that point. This insight, along with many others in the book, is helping me ask myself, "What am I missing out on from God by staying in toxic relationships?"

He tells us that he wasted 30 years of his ministry believing that standing up to toxic people was wrong. I have wasted many years of my life doing the same, and perhaps you have as well. Gary skillfully tells us how to become free from toxic people, using key scriptures and real-life examples from clients to teach us how. This is an invaluable resource if you are unsure about what to do with a destructive relationship in your family, friendships, workplace, or church. When to Walk Away is on my shortlist of my favorite books of 2019it is really that good.