Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and  Controlling Men  -     By: Lundy Bancroft
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Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Berkley Trade / 2002 / Paperback

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Product Description

Take a look inside the minds of angry and controlling men so you can learn how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship. Topics covered are the role of drugs and alcohol, early warning signs, abusive personality types, learning what you can and cannot fix, and how to safely leave an abusive relationship. Paperback.

Product Information

Format: Paperback
Number of Pages: 432
Vendor: Berkley Trade
Publication Date: 2002
ISBN: 0425191656
ISBN-13: 9780425191651

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Publisher's Description

In this groundbreaking bestseller, Lundy Bancroft—a counselor who specializes in working with abusive men—uses his knowledge about how abusers think to help women recognize when they are being controlled or devalued in a relationship, and to find ways to get free of abuse.

He says he loves you. So...why does he do that?

 
You’ve asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men—and change your life. In Why Does He Do That? you will learn about:
 
• The early warning signs of abuse
• The nature of abusive thinking
• Myths about abusers
• Ten abusive personality types
• The role of drugs and alcohol
• What you can fix, and what you can’t
• And how to get out of an abusive relationship safely

"This is without a doubt the most informative and useful book yet written on the subject of abusive men. Women who are armed with the insights found in these pages will be on the road to recovering control of their lives."—Jay G. Silverman, Ph.D., Director, Violence Prevention Programs, Harvard School of Public Health

Author Bio

Lundy Bancroft has over twenty-five years of experience in the fields of abuse, trauma, and recovery. He has published five books, including the bestseller Why Does He Do That?, Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?, When Dad Hurts Mom, The Batterer as Parent, and Should I Stay of Should I Go?. Lundy has worked with over 1000 abusive men in his counseling groups. He has also served extensively as a custody evaluator, child abuse investigator, and expert witness, and has presented to 350 audiences across the U.S. and abroad.

Editorial Reviews

"Bancroft has opened a window into the thinking of abusive men, and his book helps open a door out of abusive relationships."—Gavin de Becker, New York Times bestselling author of The Gift of Fear and Fear Less

"Most books about abuse in relationships focus on women—how they’re hurt, why they stay. As important as these questions are, they can also distract us from the heart of the problem. Bancroft boldly asks—and brilliantly answers—the most important questions of all: Why do so many men abuse women? What can be done about it? This book is desperately needed and long overdue."—Jackson Katz, creator of the award-winning video Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity

"This fascinating investigation into what makes abusive men tick is alarming but its candid handling of a difficult subject makes it a valuable resource for professionals and victims alike…Jargon-free analysis is frequently broken up by interesting first-person accounts and boxes that distill in-depth information into simple checklists. Bancroft’s book promises to be a beacon of calm for many storm-tossed families."—Publishers Weekly
 
"Bancroft, a former codirector of Emerge, the first U.S. program for abusive men, and a 15-year veteran of work with abusive men, reminds readers that each year in this country, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners and that at least one out of three American women will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change…This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended."—Library Journal

Product Reviews

3.9 Stars Out Of 5
3.9 out of 5
(5)
(1)
(0)
(0)
(2)
Quality:
3.9 out Of 5
(3.9 out of 5)
Value:
3.9 out Of 5
(3.9 out of 5)
Meets Expectations:
3.9 out Of 5
(3.9 out of 5)
71%
of customers would recommend this product to a friend.
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Displaying items 1-5 of 8
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  1. Canada
    Age: 55-65
    Gender: female
    5 Stars Out Of 5
    re: "ceedav" : man who is now abused
    July 9, 2013
    judy
    Canada
    Age: 55-65
    Gender: female
    Quality: 5
    Value: 5
    Meets Expectations: 5
    I suggest that the abused woman who married this man "ceedav" has become an abuser...so don't be too hard on him, folks.

    He needs to read the book and explain to the woman that after so many years as an abused woman she has now also become an abuser...it does happen!

    I feel sorry for him and realize why he says he finds the book a problem...but it isn't the book, it's the fact that he has married an abusive woman...May he find peace and help from this statement
  2. Age: 45-54
    Gender: female
    5 Stars Out Of 5
    Lundy is an awesome person!
    May 22, 2013
    Jenna
    Age: 45-54
    Gender: female
    Quality: 5
    Value: 5
    Meets Expectations: 5
    Very helpful in identifying the problem, enabled me to get safely out of an abusive and life-threatening relationship.

    God Bless Lundy Bancroft
  3. Illinois
    Age: 45-54
    Gender: female
    5 Stars Out Of 5
    Every woman in the world should read this.
    June 14, 2012
    Hopeful
    Illinois
    Age: 45-54
    Gender: female
    Quality: 5
    Value: 5
    Meets Expectations: 5
    I have read the other reviews posted and I am troubled by the ones that are negative.

    When I first started reading this book, I was rather put off by the author's frequency of referring to himself as an expert. By the time I got to the second part of this book, I understood why he felt the need to do that. It is very difficult to call abuse what it is. It is EXTREMELY difficult to put the "abused" label on the way one has lived for 40 years of their life. What the author reports as being abuse was what I had accepted as "normal" male behavior. It was very easy to say to myself "But all guys do that." By the end of the book I was able to see that no, all guys don't do that. This book helped change my life. I now see that all men do not act that way. Not all men are manipulative. Not all men are untrustworthy. Not all men are emotionally destructive. I had accepted some of the lies that abusive men had told me about my character as truth. I believed that God saw me that way as well. I have been able to look at examples of how I have been treated and realize that it really was abuse. How I was treated was not my fault. I was treated poorly not because I am unloveable or stupid, but because I was involved with abusive men. I have also seen some of those patterns of abuse acted out by my adult sons and accepted by my adult daughter from her husband. I have been able to bring those behaviors to their attention and show them how the abuse they witnessed towards me, and the abuse they received as children, affected how they relate to other people as well. All of them have responded favorably to instruction. There is hope.

    The only thing that I really did not like were the "bad words". Some of them were really raunchy. I have heard all of them directed at me though, so I guess the printed use of examples also serves a purpose.

    By the way, my ex-husband is also a born again Christian. Only one of my children will go anywhere near a church- because of his example of what a "Christian" is.

    Of special interest is the fact that my ex-husband said to me "At least I didn't beat you." I didn't tell him that is a direct quote out of the book. An example of what verbal/emotional abusers say to make a woman believe that how he treats her is not abuse. I guess I am supposed to feel lucky that he only left my heart and soul a bloody, battered mess.
  4. Raleigh, NC
    Age: 35-44
    Gender: male
    1 Stars Out Of 5
    If you want to have no hope, read this book!
    April 5, 2012
    Jubilee
    Raleigh, NC
    Age: 35-44
    Gender: male
    Quality: 1
    Value: 1
    Meets Expectations: 1
    Author admits that his methods rarely work. Most of the men he works with are there under court order for anger management. For sake of time and space, I ditto the other 1 star ratings. One of the worst books I have ever read.
  5. Georgia
    Age: 55-65
    Gender: male
    5 Stars Out Of 5
    Forthright and revealing
    December 1, 2011
    Mark S
    Georgia
    Age: 55-65
    Gender: male
    Quality: 5
    Value: 5
    Meets Expectations: 5
    In the past week and a half, I have been studying nonstop in order to help a loved one overcome being the victim of verbal and physical abuse in her marriage. Lundy Bancroft's experience with 2000 men who abused women rings very true in light of my loved one's experience and with all the literature that I have studied so far. I bought two books—one for my loved one and one for me--and between the two of us we have studied the entire book. It fits her experience almost perfectly and lines up with multiple sources that I have read on the internet and in the library.

    I find it interesting that one of the most negative reviews detailed here was written by a man who allegedly abused his "ex-beloved." When I study the literature, I understand that this type of reaction to the truth in this book is very predictable by someone who has been abusing another person—denial and lack of responsibility for their own actions is typical. The other very negative review cites page numbers and paraphrases what he considers to be inaccurate or ludicrous statements; he rarely directly quotes the book and almost all of his criticisms are clearly out of context and often inaccurately represent the author's point.

    I am a strong evangelical, conservative, student of the Bible, believer in the Bible, believer in the Christ of the Bible, obedient follower of the Bible, and a teacher of the Bible. So I did not appreciate the author's blaming God's injunction against Eve in Genesis chapter 3 as a cause for some religious Christians becoming abusers. That passage or any part of the Bible cannot be an excuse, reason, or cause for anyone to abuse someone else unless the abuser has taken the Scriptures way out of context. And the author did not point that out, but seemingly preferred to blame the Scriptures themselves as a cause of abuse.

    Even though the author does not seem to have a high regard for Scripture nor does he use Scripture in his book, he clearly develops a strategy of dealing with both the abused and the abuser that falls in line with Scriptural principles. He preaches a tough love—it's both tough and it's love. He has seen what works and what doesn't work, and unfortunately too often nothing works because the abuser does not do the hard work that it takes to overcome his faulty way of thinking.

    The approach in Why Does He Do That? so far has been very helpful to my loved one and me to get her started on a new life that hopefully will help the abuser reconcile himself to God, to his wife, and to his marriage. In order for this reconciliation to happen successfully, the abuser must have appropriate tough love from everyone around him. I have already recommended this book to many family members and friends and I am in the process of ordering several copies to be sent out to those who do not yet have a copy.
Displaying items 1-5 of 8
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