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Number of Pages: 288
Publication Date: 2012
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As Silver Refined: Learning to Embrace Life's DisappointmentsKay ArthurWaterBrook / 2011 / Trade Paperback$12.99 Retail:4.5 Stars Out Of 5 20 Reviews
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At some point in life, every one of us will face the dark pain of heartache and despair, a hurt that pierces so deep were left gasping with questions:
Why me? Why now?
What have I done to deserve this?
Will the pain ever go away?
How can God just stand by and let this happen?
What do I have left to hope for?
Writing from insights gained not only through her own valleys of deep hurt but also from years of study and counseling others through lifes heartaches, Kay Arthur shows how pain can be the doorway that leads you to deeper understanding, renewed purpose, and greater intimacy with God. Without glossing over the realities of sorrow, she will guide you through twelve pivotal truths about healing and hurt. These key principles will become anchors for your soul, reminding you that your pain does have purpose, that difficult times can make you more like Jesus, and that there is always hope for the future. Because no matter how deep the hurt, Gods love runs deeper still.
Includes a Study Guide and Prayer Journal to help you draw closer to God.
Kay Arthur is best known for her vulnerability, authenticity, and passion for truth. She is the author of numerous books, including As Silver Refined and A Marriage Without Regrets. An international teacher and communicator whose work has touched millions of lives, Kay has received several awards for her writing and media programming. She currently serves with her husband, Jack, as co-CEO of Precept Ministries International, the organization they founded together more than forty years ago and which today operates in 150 countries in 70 languages. Kay and Jack live in Chattanooga, Tennessee.
The following questions are designed to further your journey of healing through the study of Gods Word. The guide follows the structure of the book, taking you deeper into Scripture passages mentioned in each chapter with the intent that "grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord" (2 Peter 1:2) as you apply Gods truth to your life.
Whether you use this guide on your own, with a prayer partner, or in a small group, my fervent prayer, beloved of God, is that it will draw you more and more deeply into the Bible and into understanding Gods heart for you. God longs for you to know His healing, His love, and His hope, even when the hurt runs deep.
CHAPTER ONE: "IT WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS WAY!"
1. When in your life have you said, "It wasnt supposed to be this way"?
2. Read John 16:33. What "tribulation" is in your life right now? What would Gods peace look like if you, in faiths trust, allowed it to overcome that pain?
CHAPTER TWO: YOU DONT SUFFER ALONE
1. Read Genesis 37:131. What prompted Josephs brothers to hate him? How did their hate lead to betrayal?
2. Read Genesis 39. Why did Joseph become successful in Egypt? What did "success" look like for him in verses 16? In what ways was Josephs later imprisonment also a sign of success?
3. Joseph acted with integrity yet ended up in jail. When have you suffered even when you were not to blame for something? What happened to you inside? How did you deal with itor did you? What difference does it make today in your view of that experience to know that God was with you every moment?
4. In what ways were Josephs circumstances in prison similar to his circumstances in Egypt before his imprisonment?
5. Read Genesis 40. How did Joseph respond to being put in jail? What does this suggest about how God calls you to respond when you are somewhere you dont want to be?
6. What have you learned about God from the circumstances of Josephs life so far? Stopping to assess this is so vital to your mental and spiritual health and wholeness.
CHAPTER THREE: IS THERE PURPOSE IN YOUR PAIN?
1. Read Genesis 41:140. Considering the passages from Genesis that youve read in this study so far, who betrayed Joseph in his lifetime? In what ways did Josephs response to Pharaoh (vv. 1532) reflect humility and wisdom rather than bitterness over these betrayals? Why was he able to respond in this way? What does God want you to see?
2. Read Genesis 45:124. What do Josephs tears in front of his brothers (vv. 12) signify?
3. What do Josephs words in verses 58 reveal about his belief in Gods purposes?
4. What did Joseph tell his brothers not to do on the way home (v. 24)? Why? What does this suggest about Josephs perspective on his suffering?
5. Read Genesis 50:20. What was Joseph placing above his emotions or pain? How did a sense of Gods purpose free him to do this?
6. The psalmist recounted Josephs story in Psalm 105. How did the psalmist begin in verses 14? How would you describe the perspective of these verses? Why is this significant in light of Josephs suffering and the suffering of the Israelites? Why was Josephs story worthy of passing down to future generations?
7. What difference does it makein our perspective, in our ability to cope, in the lives of otherswhen we confront pain and find purpose in it rather than glossing over it?
CHAPTER FOUR: WHAT KIND OF GOD ALLOWS OUR PAIN?
1. Read Psalm 103. What did the psalmist say God does? What words did the psalmist use to describe who God is?
2. How does your understanding of who God is affect your understanding of who you are? Why does your state of weakness make Gods relationship with you even more significant?
3. Why is understanding the sovereignty of God important to healing?
4. Prayerfully read Revelation 21:35 in light of your pain today. What phrase or word brings the most hope to you? Why?
5. Why does the fact that God will one day wipe away our tears make a difference right now? What does this say about Gods character and power?
6. What would you like God to "make new" (Revelation 21:5) in your life? What does God promise you about the future? Can knowing what the future holds enable you to handle the present? How? (You might want to memorize 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 after reading the whole chapter. Its awesome!)
7. How does the truth that "God is love" (1 John 4:8) make a difference when you suffer? How does knowledge of Gods love free you to find His purpose in your pain?
8. Read Romans 5:611. In what ways does this passage focus on realities and actions rather than emotions?
CHAPTER FIVE: A FRIEND IN HIGH PLACES
1. Read Romans 8:2832. What connection did Paul make between circumstances in our lives and our being conformed to Christs image? How have you seen this happen in your own life?
2. How does God use suffering to draw us closer to Him? Describe a time when you have experienced this for yourself.
3. What characteristics of God make Him the only One who can truly heal us?
4. How does it change your view of suffering to know that God is for you (Romans 8:31)? What does this verse suggest about the relationship God desires with you?
5. Read Romans 8:3539. What things do we "overwhelmingly conquer"? Who or what makes this possible? What is the number-one characteristic about God that gives us victory over pain in our lives?
CHAPTER SIX: A TIME FOR ANGER
1. What is the difference between righteous anger and unrighteous anger?
2. Read Psalm 106:3448. What makes God angry? Why?
3. Why is God able to be angry and love at the same time? How does His anger demonstrate His love for us?
4. Read Exodus 34:67. What difference does it make to you that God has promised to judge those whove wronged you? How does knowing this help you love others more? How does it shape your response to their behavior?
5. Read Ephesians 4:2532. When does anger become sinful?
6. According to this passage, what traits should replace anger and bitterness in our lives? Why? How does unresolved anger at one person affect all of our relationships?
CHAPTER SEVEN: AT THE ROOT OF YOUR PAIN
1. Read the first chapter of Job. How do Jobs actions in verses 15 reflect what he valued the most?
2. Why did Satan suggest attacking Job? What was Satans expectation? Why did Satan need to speak with the Lord before bringing suffering into Jobs life?
3. How did Job mourn and worship God at the same time? How did his words and actions before his losses prepare him to respond in the way he did?
4. Read Job 2:110. Contrast Jobs actions and words, particularly in verse 10, with what a sinful response to such suffering would look like.
5. Why did God allow pain in Jobs life? How did Gods interactions with Satan reflect His love for Job?
6. Did Job get what he deserved? Why or why not? How does our culture promote the idea that your actions alone determine your future circumstances? How does this compare with what youve learned about Gods sovereignty?
CHAPTER EIGHT: LIFE CHANGES…GOD DOES NOT
1. Read Job 2:1113. What is the first thing Jobs friends did when they saw him? How is this similar to or different from how our culture today responds to someones grief ? When has someone responded to your suffering in a similar way?
2. What is healing about silence?
3. Read Job 3. How would you describe Jobs words about his suffering? What is the difference between cursing God and Jobs response to suffering? What is the difference between denying pain and Jobs response?
4. Read the words of Jobs friend Eliphaz in Job 5:827. What was Eliphaz implying about the reason for Jobs suffering? What was he suggesting about Gods power to heal? Why would Eliphazs words in verse 25 be especially cruel to Job?
5. Describe a time when someone tried to comfort you with spiritual platitudes. Were his or her words about God true or untrue? What made them hurtful to you? How did you respond to this person?
6. Thinking over what youve learned so far, what words of comfort might you offer today to someone in deep pain?
CHAPTER NINE: GODS ANSWER TO OUR "WHY?"
1. When have you declared something to be true about God even though you didnt understand it?
2. Read Job 38. Who did God speak to? Describe the tone of His words. How does Gods response reflect both His love and His power?
3. Read Job 40:15. How did Job respond to God? What did Jobs words reveal about his view of God?
4. Read Job 42:16. What truth did Job acknowledge about God in these verses? Why did he need to repent?
5. Why would a new appreciation for Gods sovereignty comfort Job more than the words of his friends?
6. In Job 42:7, God tells Eliphaz that he is angry with him because he spoke falsely about God. Why were Jobs words more acceptable to God? What does this suggest about how God wants us to relate to Him?
7. If you could choose, would you want to understand all Gods ways in your life right now? Why or why not?
CHAPTER TEN: SUFFERING WE BRING ON OURSELVES
1. Why is it tempting to blame others for our pain? What does this say about our view of ourselves?
2. Read 2 Chronicles 33:120. What did Manasseh do that was sinful? What do his sins have in common with all sin?
3. What caused God to respond to Manasseh and restore him to Jerusalem? Why couldnt God heal him earlier?
4. How did Gods forgiveness change Manassehs life? Why is forgiveness powerful?
5. What are the similarities between Jobs story and Manassehs story? What are the differences? What consistencies do you see in how God responded to each man?
6. Read Psalm 51. If you did not know anything about God, what would you learn about Him from this psalm?
7. Write or pray a prayer of confession to God for any sins that you have not already confessed to Him. Your prayer doesnt need to be long or eloquent. Tell God how you have sinned. Ask Him for forgiveness. Acknowledge who you are and who He is.
8. Now, in accordance with all you have learned or know about God according to His Word, how will God respond to your prayer? Why?
9. Will you praise God for the healing that comes from knowing all is right between you and Him?
CHAPTER ELEVEN: HAS HOPE FADED FOREVER?
1. Read Lamentations 3. How did the writers soul respond when he dwelt on the past? What did he decide to think about instead?
2. How did remembering the characteristics of God restore hope to the writer of Lamentations? Why would Satan want him to dwell instead on circumstances?
3. What do the writers words suggest about how he viewed God? In what ways did his knowledge of God shape his response to suffering?
4. What changes over time in this passage, and what stays the same?
5. Why is it hopeful to dwell on who God is rather than on your past actions?
6. How might the story of your life point others to hope in God?
CHAPTER TWELVE: WALKING THROUGH THE FIRE…BUT NOT ALONE!
1. Read Daniel 3. When have you faced persecutionin your family, workplace, or communitybecause of your faith in God?
2. Why were Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego able to say they did not need to defend themselves against Nebuchadnezzar? How do you tend to react to those who unjustly cause you pain or subject you to persecution? What does your natural response reveal about your view of God? your view of suffering?
3. What does Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednegos reaction to Nebuchadnezzar say about who they believed God to be? What do their words reveal about their priorities, about what mattered most to them?
4. Who was the fourth man in the furnace? Why was he there? How does Gods presence make a difference even when we are experiencing pain?
5. What would it look like in your life to trust God even when you dont know if He will rescue you from pain? What do you need to believe about Gods natureas opposed to human naturein order to trust Him?
6. How might your response to difficult times lead others to God?
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: THE LINGERING HURT OF SUICIDE
1. What are the greatest or most troubling issues you have to deal with when you think of a loved one, or anyone, who committed suicide? What have you learned in this chapter that has helped you with those questions? What issues are not covered that you would like to discuss? (I, Kay, would love to know so I could be of more help. You can reach me through our Web site at www.precept.org/hurt.)
2. Do you find yourself worrying about where the person who committed suicide is? What have you learned from the scriptures in this chapter that can help you handle this worry?
3. Read Philippians 4:89. What does God call you to think about right now? Make a list of these eight descriptive phrases. Take each memory or question you have about your loved ones suicide (or other circumstances leading to the pain you are in) and compare it to the list you just made. If it does not match Gods criteria for your thoughts, what will you do about it?
4. Is it disobedient to dwell on the past in destructive ways? Why or why not?
5. Read Philippians 3:1314. What would it look like to "forget" what lies behind in your life? Do you believe its possible to truly "forget"? Why or why not? What would it look like for you to reach forward to "what lies ahead"?
6. Ask God to show you how these verses can bring healing from your loved ones suicide or your suicidal thoughts. Express your anger and your pain to Him. Ask Him to guide your thoughts to the traits of Philippians 4:89 and pray those traits out loud. Although healing can be slow, keep returning to God with your pain and your desire to submit your mind and heart to Him.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: PULLING THE PLUG ON PAIN
1. When have you had to sacrifice something that was precious to you? How did that experience change you?
2. Read Genesis 22:119. How did Abrahams willingness to let go of Isaac make room for God to reveal Himself ? In what way was Abrahams obedience an act of worship?
3. How did Abrahams obedience foreshadow Jesus obedience in the Garden of Gethsemane (Luke 22:42)? What did God do for Abraham that He did not do for Jesus? Why?
4. Read 2 Corinthians 12:710. Why did Paul have a "thorn in the flesh"? How was God glorified through this thorn? What connection did Paul make between letting go of his human desire and drawing closer to God?
5. What pain do you need to pull the plug on, to let go ofwith total confidence that what you are doing is biblical? And what would change for you if you did? Why havent you done so? Do you want to be well?
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE BENEFITS OF SUFFERING
1. Read Matthew 13:19, 1823. Has suffering ever caused you to turn away from God? If so, when?
2. What emotional or physical scars do you have as a result of living in this crooked and perverse generation? In what ways can these scars give you hope for heaven?
3. What would it look like for God to redeem the pain you are in right now?
4. Read Philippians 3:711. What words did Paul use to describe earthly accomplishments and things? Why? List all the words in this passage that Paul used to reflect his deepest desires. What was his ultimate goal?
5. Read 2 Corinthians 4:1618. What does the "outer man" represent? What does the "inner man" represent? What does your outer self look like right now? How does it compare to your inner self ?
6. What does affliction lead to, according to verse 17?
7. What things do you "see" in your pain today (verse 18)? What things are happening through your pain that you cannot see? Which will last for eternity?
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: THE HURT YET TO COME
1. When have you experienced pain or persecution because of your religious beliefs? Did the pain surprise you? Why or why not?
2. Read 1 Peter 2:1925. For what purpose has God called you? How do you know?
3. How did Christ respond to suffering? What purpose did His suffering have? What does this say about the value of our suffering as Christ followers?
4. Read 1 Peter 3:1418. What did Paul instruct us to do when we suffer for Gods glory? What are we not to do?
5. How can you tell if your suffering is because of righteousness or because of sin? Why does it make a difference?
6. Read 1 Peter 5:10. What does God promise to do for you? Why does He want you to know this promise?
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: HOW CAN JESUS POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN?
1. Read Matthew 26:3646. Describe a time when your soul was "deeply grieved." Did you go to a particular place to pray or cry?
2. What did Jesus ask His friends to do? Why? How did Jesus respond when He found His friends sleeping?
3. Have you ever asked a friend to be with you when you were grieving or waiting for difficult news? What happened? Why does loneliness so often accompany grief ?
4. How many times did Jesus pray the same prayer? What is the "cup" He referred to? What do His prayers suggest about His relationship with His Father?
5. Which aspect of Jesus suffering did you identify with the most? Why?
6. What difference does it make in your perspective on pain to know that Jesus understands your suffering because He, too, suffered?
7. Think over everything you learned in this chapter. How will you respond to the Father and the Son in light of these truths? Write out or pour out in prayer the words on your heart.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: WILL THE HURT EVER GO AWAY?
1. Read Hebrews 10:1123. What did the priests do again and again? What was the result? What have you done or said over and over to try to redeem pain in your life? How well did that work?
2. How many sacrifices did Jesus make (vv. 1213)? For how long? How does Jesus sacrifice influence you? What does this imply about your ability to redeem your pain?
3. The Holy Spirit testifies that Jesus sacrifice is a sign of Gods covenant (v. 16). What does God do to seal this covenant with us?
4. Why can we draw near to God with confidence? How does this confidence lead to hope?
5. Read Ephesians 4:315:2. What does bitterness lead to? Why?
6. Why does God call us to forgive others? How does our forgiveness of others remind us of Gods forgiveness of us? Does God expect us to forgive others out of our own power? Why or why not?
7. When have you seen the inability to forgive cause someone greater pain? In what way does forgiveness loosen the grip of the past on our lives?
CONCLUSION: LIFE-PRESERVING WORDS
1. Read Romans 5:15. What are we called to exult in? What result does tribulation ultimately bring?
2. When has disappointment caused you to dwell in pain rather than risking hope?
3. According to this passage, what kind of hope does God give? Why? How might a confidence in Gods hope free you to have joy againto exult?
4. Throughout this study, we have looked at passages that contrast dwelling on the past with hoping in the future. Why does hoping in the future make such a difference in our healing? What do we learn from the fact that God speaks words of hope so often in Scripture?
5. What practical changes could you make (such as meeting more regularly with a community of believers, getting more sleep, memorizing Scripture) that would further Gods work of healing in your life?
6. Looking back on the twelve healing truths outlined in this book (see pages 19596 for the full list), which ones resonate with you the most right now? What could you do to remember these truths when you need them most?
Gary Smalley, author of Change Your Heart, Change Your Life
"Kay Arthurs When the Hurt Runs Deep is a beautiful blend of grace and truth. Its clear, compassionate, biblically grounded, and Christ-centered. As usual, Kays words honor and declare Gods Word, which alone can bear the weight of our trust. Im happy to recommend this outstanding book."
Randy Alcorn, author of If God Is Good and The Goodness of God
"Kay Arthur is no dry land sailor, no stranger to deep hurt and pain. In the midst of her own dark seasons and desperate moments, she has mined the Scripture and found rich treasures of healing and hope. This book provides encouragement for those who need assurance that God is near to the brokenhearted, that He hears their cry, and that their journey through pain can truly lead to a place of great blessing, joy, and increased fruitfulness."
Nancy Leigh DeMoss, author and radio host of Revive Our Hearts
"You wont be able to put this remarkable book down! Kay Arthur has crafted an invaluable gift for everyone who is seeking healing and hope in the midst of lifes tormenting windstormsand thats all of us. With deep insight and profound reassurance, Kay shows us how to connect our deep pain with the ultimate promise of Gods therapeutic love."
Les Parrott, PhD, founder of RealRelationships.com and coauthor of Youre Stronger Than You Think
"Kay Arthur knows about emotional pain first hand, both from her own life and from the scores of people she has counseled over the years. Now she brings her vast knowledge of Scripture to bear on this difficult subject in a compassionate and helpful way. Both people who are hurting and all those who counsel such people will find this book useful."
Jerry Bridges, author of Trusting God Even When Life Hurts
"Im not sure I know of anyone more equipped in Gods Word and life experience to write this incredible book. Ive had a first-hand look at how Kay Arthur has allowed Gods truth to guide her through lifes deepest hurts. Shes no stranger to unexpected and hurtful circumstances, andgood thing for usshes also no stranger to Scripture. Your journey through this remarkable book will equip and encourage you to trust in the Lord no matter what life brings your way. Read and be blessed."
Priscilla Shirer, author and Bible teacher
"Kay Arthur understands the heartache and pain that life often brings. But more important, she has tasted the healing and freedomspiritual freedomthat only intimacy with God can bring. This rich work, When the Hurt Runs Deep, will guide you to your strong anchor of hope when the storms of life threaten to overwhelm you, and you too will find healing and freedom."
Dr. Tim Clinton, president of the American Association of Christian Counselors
"How easily we forget that we have a written guarantee in Scripture that we will have tribulation in our livesnot only the cosmic, earth-shaking kind that comes with a 9/11 tragedy, but also the kind that rocks our lives personally when the diagnosis is not good, or the husband walks out, or the job is lost. Yet in the midst of all the turbulence stands the Prince of peace, knowing our pain, feeling our hurt, comforting us in our doubt. Kay Arthur, a woman who loves Gods Word, takes us back to the source of true hope and ultimate healing. Be comforted as you read her words to know that, even when hurt runs deep, He is there with His deeper love."
Janet Parshall, nationally syndicated radio host and author
"Kay Arthur is one of the most gifted teachers in the kingdom. This book is filled with wisdom shes gained from teaching and from her in-depth study of Scripture. What a treasure it contains!"
Chuck Colson, founder of Prison Fellowship and the Colson Center for Christian Worldview
"Kay Arthur is a great friend and an even better human being. Her teaching, speaking, and writing have touched millions globally. When the Hurt Runs Deep is another great investment in the people she loves. This is a profound book because Kay has been there and has learned to walk by faith through some very dark valleys. Journey with her as you read these pages, and I can promise you shell put your hand in the hand of the One who will bring true healing and hope. This is a great book. Read it and then pass it on to a friend."
Dr. Dennis Rainey, president of FamilyLife
"When the Hurt Runs Deep offers healing at the point of your deepest pain and brings hope that one day your suffering will be redeemed in ways you cannot imagine. With wise insights born of personal experience and timeless truth, my friend Kay Arthur offers encouragement and abiding assurance that you are not alone!"
June Hunt, founder of Hope for the Heart and author of How to Handle Your Emotions
From the Hardcover edition.