Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers

Pay attention to the important facts on living together as presented by Marriage Savers cofounders, Mike and Harriet McManus. With the knowledge gained from fifteen years of research and marriage counseling, the McManuses share with you the facts behind the myth that living together before marriage is the secret to a successful marriage.

IS LIVING TOGETHER THE ANSWER?

Since the late 1960s, the number of couples living together before marriage has increased significantly, as this phenomenon was thought to be the answer to obtaining a successful marriage. The theory that couples could "practice" seemed a perfect solution to an increasingly higher divorce rate. "After all," many argued, "if we live together first, we will really know if we're compatible."

Mike and Harriet McManus, co-founders of the Marriage Savers® organization, argue in this important book that theory and reality are often not the same. They take a fundamental position that one can not practice permanence, and unless a marriage is established as permanent, a couple will not approach it the same way. This significant finding has come from the McManuses' fifteen years of studying marriage and divorce and their desire to help couples build strong marriages that last a lifetime.

In the pages of this book, you will discover that the divorce rate is actually higher among couples who live together before marriage, as well as important principles that really do give couples the necessary tools for a successful marriage.

Consider this book an investment in yours or someone else's marriage. Whether you are a counselor seeking to help others in their marriage, a parent helping a child as he or she is contemplating living with someone, a pastor who needs a reliable tool to help couples in his ministry, or a person considering living with someone yourself, this book is for you!

Mike McManus is a Duke graduate who was Time's youngest

correspondent in 1963. He has been a nationally syndicated columnist since 1977,

whose award-winning "Ethics & Religion" column is published weekly. Mike's book

Marriage Savers inspired clergy to create Community Marriage Policies

that have reduced divorce and cohabitation rates in more than one hundred

cities. He and his wife, Harriet, cofounded Marriage Savers, Inc., to help

clergy better prepare, enrich, and restore marriages. They have personally

mentored fifty-seven couples preparing for marriage. Harriet McManus married Mike in 1965. She was the first editor of

Marriage Savers and Mike's other books and is editor of Mike's columns.

Together they have initiated a premarital marriage ministry in their church,

Fourth Presbyterian in Bethesda, Maryland, and they pioneered the training of

Mentor Couples to administer a premarital inventory. She works full-time for

Marriage Savers as a writer, editor, and trainer. She and Mike have three sons

and six grandchildren.

"In this groundbreaking book, Mike and Harriet McManus dispel the myth that living together before marriage leads to "happily ever after" and give the secrets for making marriages succeed. No one is more qualified to help couples prepare for marriage. Based on their years of training over 4,000 Mentor Couples and their personal 97 percent marriage-saving success rate in their own church, Mike and Harriet offer couples marriage insurance no one should ever live without!" -- Claudia & David Arp, founders, Marriage Alive International, and authors of 10 Great Dates Before You Say "I Do"

"Mike and Harriet McManus are doing their level best to alert Americans that cohabitation increases rather than decreases the likelihood of divorce. The authors, who have devoted their lives to the cause of marriage, have written a well-researched and practical book. It deserves close attention by young people, their parents, and by the Church. Living Together provides youth with the insights and tools needed to avoid what could be one of the costliest mistakes of their lives and shows them the path to a happy and lasting marriage." -- George H. Gallup, Jr., founding chairman of the Gallup International Institute

"For too long, church leaders have ignored cohabitation. This book is a wake-up call on the extent of the problem -- with encouraging, proven answers. It is must-reading for every pastor and lay leader." -- Reverend Richard Cizik, vice president of the National Association of Evangelicals

Average Rating:

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Reviewed by Rev. Michael Fahrer (Stover, MO), September 02, 2009

This book is the very best I have found on the subject of living together. In our age when a number of Christians have fallen into satans trap, this book will open their eyes in a powerful, factual, kind way. I have seen the need for this book for almost 40 years. Thank the lord such excellent material is now available!

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Author: Mike McManus
Located in: Potomac, MD
Submitted: April 08, 2008

    Tell us a little about yourself.  I write a nationally syndicated newspaper column, "Ethics & Religion." I'm also co-founder and president of Marriage Savers, a ministry that has involved 10,000 pastors and priests in creating 222 "Community Marriage Policies." An independent study by the Institute for Research & Evaluation of our first 114 CMPs reported that divorce rates fell 17.5% over seven years, and the cohabitation rate dropped by one-third compared to similar cities. I am the author of three other books: Marriage Savers, Insuring Marriage and 50 Practical Ways to Take Our Kids Back From the World.

    What was your motivation behind this project?  Cohabitation is a stealth killer of marriage. Evidence: 1) The marriage rate has plunged 50% since 1970, mainly because the number of never-married Americans has tripled from 21 million to 60 million. These people are not monks, but people who tried living with people, not realizing it was a substitute for marriage. 2) America's divorce rate is the world's highest, partly because couples who cohabit are 50% more likely to divorce than those who remained separate; and two-thirds of those marrying in the US are cohabiting. 3)Cohabiting couples are as likely to have a child under 18 as a married couples (41% vs. 46%). Further, our book points to proven answers, a better way to test the relationship: 1) Take a premarital inventory which prompts a tenth of couples to break apart before marriage; they have the same scores as those who marry & later divorce. 2) Discuss the issues surfaced by the inventory with a trained Mentor Couple, which doubles the percentage of couples who do not marry. 3) Learn skills of communication & conflict resolution from Mentor Couples. 4) Move apart till the wedding. Over 10 years, our church used this strategy to prepare 288 couples for marriage, 55 of whom decided NOTW to marry. But of those who did, only 7 divorced, for a divorce rate of 3% over a decace.

    What do you hope folks will gain from this project?  We hope to motivate religiously active Americans to adopt the proven strategies outlined here in their churches to better prepare couples for marriage. We hope to give parents of cohabiting couples the words they need to persuade them to move apart. Finally, we hope to show young adults a better way to consider marriage.

    How were you personally impacted by working on this project?  We have become more dedicated to helping clergy groups adopt these reforms, as has happened in 222 cities/towns by 10,000 churches. HOwever, that is a small percentge of America's 350,000 congregations.

    Who are your influences, sources of inspiration or favorite authors / artists?  Among the books which most influenced us is "The Purpose-Driven Life" by Rick Warren; "The Case For Marriage by Linda Waite & Maggie Gallagher; "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" by Judith Wallerstein and Sarah Balkeslee; "The Power of Commitment" by Scott Stanley;

    Anything else you'd like readers / listeners to know:  We believe the disintegration of marriage is the central domestic problem of our time - yet it has received zero attention by Presidential candidates. The one million children who see their parents divorce annually plus the 1.6 million born out-of-wedlock are three times as likely as those from intact homes to be expelled from school, to have a baby out of wedlock, or to be incarcerated, 5-6 times as apt to commit suicide or to live in poverty. Our children deserve a better legacy. Fortunately, these trends are reversible. Our book outlines how to do so.

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