When Your Husband Is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart
This book was a blessing! I love the way it is broke down so you can do a section a day. I'm sad I finished it...I really enjoyed every part if it and could feel the authors sincerity! I highly recommend this to any woman dealing with this in her life and even thought it would be good for anyone who's had their heart broken for any reason.
August 26, 2013
Loving, Honest, Encouraging Book.
Last week I read a wonderful series of articles by Pastor Tim Challies on pornography. He addressed the fact that pornography has warped our conscience as a Nation, setting the tone for the way millions of men view women and marriage. He said that every time a man views pornography he deadens his conscience a little bit more. What broke his heart the most was this-
"The saddest emails I have received in the past few days came from women who are older than you are and perhaps even old enough to be your mother. They told tales of utter devastationÃ¢ÂÂof husbands who got into pornography when they were young and who never cared to give it up. And here they are, all these years later, still damaging themselves and their wives and families. The choices they made as young men threaten to tear apart their families today. The women, the one God calls these men to be intoxicated in for all of their lives, live with gaping holes in their hearts, longing for their husbands to step in and fill them up. Could this be your wife some day?"
Tim Challies was writing to young men, teens or newly married. He is pointing them to the fact that if they continue on this road of death they will someday break their wifes heart.
Mrs. Vicki Tiede was one of those women. This book is her story. She wrote this book to address the questions that a woman has when her marriage is blown apart by a husbands pornography addiction. Can she ever have Hope again? How does she Surrender? Is it safe to Trust? How do you deal with being Broken? Where in this madness do you find Identity? And how do you give Forgiveness to someone who tore up your trust and betrayed you? Are you even expected to forgive them?
Vicki writes Sister in Christ to Sister in Christ, praying for her readers and crying with her readers. Her book is saturated in prayer and tears. Tears because Mrs. Tiede had to open up the old wounds to write heart to heart with the wives of other porn addicts, prayers because she interceded before Our Heavenly Father, for every woman that would read this book. "I did not choose pornography. (I am sure you did not either.) God did not choose it for me either. However, when my husband chose pornography, God inserted a parenthetical moment into the story of my life. In the space between those parentheses, He assured me I was not alone. He knew my pain. He saw my tears. He felt my losses and he would redeem it all. He did." Page 147, emphasis mine. The idea of a parentheses in a woman's life is a very helpful idea. The parentheses contains a limited number of words. The parentheses is not the story itself, only a part of it. But the words within the parentheses change what comes after them.
Vicki writes the way she speaks, overflowing with the word of God and the love of God. She wrote this book to come along side women and walk with them through a six week journey. This book was written to say the things she needed to hear as the wife of a porn addict. The first thing needed is Scripture. Scripture fills this book. Scripture to comfort you, Scripture to counsel you, Scripture to do what God wrote it to do- Point you to Christ. The second thing needed is a sister who has walked this road to help you understand how to move forward in the healing process, because with Christ there is healing, but it is a process. This book is not a book about your husband or about addiction. This book is about you and your healing. This book is arranged as a Bible study, and takes a number of weeks to complete, which allows the reader to soak in the Truths of Scripture. The verses used come from a variety of translations, including the Kings James Version, the ESV, the NIV and the Message.
The women that this book was written for are the wives of level one or two addicts. Level one and two are everything below criminal behavior, and these behaviors are considered normal by todays culture. Wives of Level three and four addicts (affairs, raped someone, or molested a child) can also benefit, because tragically enough the "normal male behavior" of pornography use leads to these other acts.
The women this book is written for also are probably hoping to reconcile with a changed husband, although that is not always possible. This book does NOT affirm divorce as a simple, painless solution. It is Not. However, in this fallen world, there are times when a husband is dangerous to his wife, unrepentant in his sin, blaspheming God and dishonoring his marriage covenant unrepentantly. There is one time in the New Testament when divorce is permissible, when the spouse has committed adultery. Pornography is adultery. It is marital unfaithfulness. God hates it. God hates divorce also. Once again, Vicki's story will minister to a woman's heart. From page eleven, "When my first husband refused to responsibility for his actions or recognize a need to repent of his behavior, the behavior escalated, and my emotional, physical and spiritual health was at risk. I was advised by a Christian counselor and my pastor to end the marriage, and I did. Please hear me when I say this- God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16 NIV), and I have never met anyone who has gone through a divorce who does not agree with God. It is God's desire that every heart and marriage be restored (Job 22:23)." If you are afraid that there is no hope, then this book is for you. If you are praying for reconciliation, then this book is for you.
Mrs. Tiede also ministers to the heart of hurt wives who believe the lie that whispers if they had been more-whatever- then he would not have gone elsewhere. This is a flat out lie. Your husband did not choose pornography over you because the women were more beautiful. He chose pornography because it was forbidden, dangerous, and evil, and sin drew him. People are not tempted by the pure, sweet, normal and wholesome. Temptation is the slimy, the sick, the ugly, the brutal, the secret. That is pornography. It is an absolute perversion of a woman's body and sexuality. And yet there are wives who try to "compete" with this filth for their husbands love. No amount of "being more beautiful" would have filled him, because he was not looking for his wife's natural beauty that every woman is born with, he wanted the fantasy of photoshopped pixels.
Vicki tells the Truth plain, but gently in this book. This kind of gentle "truth therapy" will help heal a woman's heart. What he is doing is not innocent. No matter what the culture says. It was not a deficiency in you that made him choose this sin. Attempting to give "instant forgiveness" to avoid the pain of working through the problem sounds more Christian- but it isn't. Yes, a wife's identity is shattered after this- but God holds the pieces and it is God who knows what you were created for, and who can put your heart back together. It is not your fault, and there is no way you can "fix" him. That is between him and God. There are ways to promote healing, however. There are ways that you can work with a willing husband to make healing possible.
This book is honest, loving, and encouraging. If she could, Vicki would invite every woman who is in her former shoes as a wife of a porn addict to come to her house, sit on her couch, take out her Bible and a box of tissues, and talk heart to heart. This book is part of what she would say. This is her heart behind the book, her hope for all women who have been betrayed in this way. "My prayer is that a woman will focus her eyes on the God of Hope, rather than basing her hope and happiness on her husbandÃ¢ÂÂs choices. Learning to allow God to meet her greatest needs is a long and learned process, probably longer than the amount of time it will take to go through my interactive book. ItÃ¢ÂÂs a slow dance through brokenness in the arms of the Almighty. I know. IÃ¢ÂÂve been in her shoes and IÃ¢ÂÂve learned the intricate steps to finding Hope in the midst of a husbandÃ¢ÂÂs addiction to pornography."
A few years ago we made one of those mosaic butterflies. You make the mosaic with pieces and shards of broken glass in all different colors and sharp edges, but the result is a beautiful mosaic butterfly. We still have it in the garden. Mosaics are beautiful, made out of broken pieces. Mosaic is a perfect metaphor for the healed heart.
Mrs. Tiede has since remarried, and has one daughter and two sons whom she home -schools. She is a student of Scripture, an author, and speaks at Churches and conferences. You may visit her blog, VickiTiede.com and her Facebook Page.
We are grateful to have received this book free from New Growth Press to review it, and were asked for our honest opinion. You may buy a copy from New Growth right here.
December 5, 2012
This book is absolutely necessaryÃ¢ÂÂ¦and I find that saddening. I wish it never had to be this way, but because of sin and sinful hearts in men and women, it is needed.
I found this book to be God-centered, Christ-exalting, Bible-saturated, hope-instilling, health-inducing, joy-restoringÃ¢ÂÂ¦I could try more hyphenated words because they fit this book. Vicki found an area about pornography that really hadnÃ¢ÂÂt been explored and mined and sheÃ¢ÂÂs struck gold. For too long, the church has simply let women who suffer from the heartbreak and destruction resulting from a husband who has delved into the dark recesses of porn flounder with barely a rope. Now they donÃ¢ÂÂt have to flounder.
I love the formatting which Vicki brought to her writingÃ¢ÂÂÃ¢ÂÂputting the major pieces into weekly segments for ease of study, journaling and meditation. Moving through key areas which have been trampled, ripped apart and shamed, Tiede helps a woman (or a group of women) find the healing, forgiving touch of Christ. Beginning with hope, surrender and trust, she then moves on to identity, brokenness and forgiveness. I truly appreciated the chapter on identityÃ¢ÂÂÃ¢ÂÂfinding, grounding, building it in Christ. If only we Christians would get this right from at start, we might not see men addicted to pornography or women who need healing because of that sin. Yet here we areÃ¢ÂÂÃ¢ÂÂso grounding oneÃ¢ÂÂs self in Christ is the only foundation for wholeness and healing.
When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart is set up to be used as a personal or a small group workbook, with each major section having several points with which to delve into GodÃ¢ÂÂs Word as well as journal thoughts, discoveries and meditations.
While written for women, this would be a Ã¢ÂÂMust ReadÃ¢ÂÂ for pastors, womenÃ¢ÂÂs ministry leaders and lay-counselors. TheyÃ¢ÂÂll have an excellent tool to use to better see wholeness in the Body of Christ.
I cannot recommend this book highly enough.
October 29, 2012
Hope for a wife whose husband is addicted to porn.
Pornography is a growing societal problem. Images and scenes that would have been available in only a few select hard to get publications 10-20 years ago are now a normal part of advertising media and primetime television. With the advent easy access to pornography on the internet and a broader acceptance within society, addiction to pornography is rampant both inside and and outside the church. By God's grace, we've seen numerous excellent books focused on helping men find deliverance from this destructive addiction. While books focused on helping men are plentiful, books focused on helping the wives of these men are few. This is a trend that needs to change, which is why I'm very excited about Vicki Tiede's new book When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography. I feel like Vicki is somewhat of a pioneer with this new work and I pray that many will find great encouragement through this book and that others would be spurred on to produce additional resources that will minister to this oft neglected part of the pornography addiction equation.
When your Husband is Addicted to Pornography is a book that can be worked through little by little, one day at a time. It is designed to be read over the course of six weeks, focusing on the following themes:
As a new theme is unpacked each week, you'll encounter stories from Vicki and other women who have walked this road, encouragement from scripture, suggested prayers, and reflection questions. As you read the book, I'd recommend keeping a journal handy, so you can take notes and write out your answers to the questions found in each chapter.
I was glad that Vicki discusses divorce in the introduction to the book. While in her particular circumstance, her first marriage ended in divorce, she is by no means painting the picture that this is prescriptive for others or in any way ideal. Here's what she says:
"God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16 NIV), and I have never met anyone who has gone through a divorce who doesn't agree with God on this one. It is God's desire that every heart and marriage be restored (Job 22:23). Some issues may make a marriage irreconcilable, but the purpose of this book is not to point you in that direction. Rather, it is to point you to the One who can bring about restoration and reconciliation." (p. xi)
Readers will also want to take note of the additional resources listed in appendix a. It's chock full of many of the best books, websites and ministries that can help you and your husband as you journey towards recovery and healing.
So who needs to read this book? I'd recommend it for every woman who has been affected by their husband's secret addiction to lust, masturbation, and pornography. The format of the book would make it ideal for use in a small group. I could also see Christian counselors making good use of this book as they minister to the wives of husbands steeped in addiction to pornography. I would also recommend this book to men who have been delivered from addiction to pornography. God will use this book to remind you of what He delivered you from and equip you to minister to other men and women, who are at an earlier stage of their journey to recovery.
I can't recommend this book highly enough. Buy it, read it, share it. It's just that good! My rating is 5 out of 5 stars.
About the Author: Vicki Tiede, MEd, MMin, is a Bible teacher; conference speaker; author of Plug Me In and Let Me Charge Overnight (2009); and a contributing author for five other books. Her passion is to share God's grace and faithfulness with women through the Scriptures. Vicki transparently relates life experiences that resonate and draw others into a lifelong pursuit of knowing God. Living in Rochester, Minnesota, Vicki is also a wife, homeschooling mom, and women's ministries coordinator at her local church.
Disclaimer: This book was provided by New Growth Press. The reviewer was under no obligation to offer a favorable review.
October 25, 2012