|Dateable: Are You? Are They?|
Justin Lookadoo, Hayley Morgan
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If you think you're clueless about the opposite sex, you won't be once you read Dateable. We've got stuff on them they never wanted you to know. It'll be like you're a fly on the wall of the locker room listening in on all the conversations you've always wanted to hear. We expose the inside world of guys and girls in this tell-all book. Don't try dating without first being Dateable.
Before the Thing
This book is all about being Dateable. The how, the why, the when, the whole package. But before we get to that, we have to start at the beginning Ė with the passion. Passion isn't just a sexual thing. It's much bigger than that. Passion is your life. What you do and how you do it. It's what pushes you and makes you successful. It's what drives people to fight for freedom, to give their lives for others, and to search for the cure for cancer. It's what makes warriors strong and princesses desirable. It's what makes your dreams a reality. Passion in the hands of a wise man or woman is the key to unlocking destiny, but passion abused is destruction, pain, and heartache.
Passion is fuel. When contained and use properly, it's the fuel that propels unimaginable feats. It propels a jet plane. It gets people to the moon. But that same passion, when used carelessly or for selfish endeavors, is explosive. It can destroy you and everybody around you. The desires you have deep inside you can propel you to greatness or destroy your life in a single spark. If you can't control your passion, you can't control your future. So being Dateable is not about hooking up, it's about exposing your passion and discovering your destiny. A lot of what you'll read in theses pages you're not going to like. But it's not about you, it's about how passion can become destructive and the power you have to redirect it for a greater purpose. So push through the hard parts and let it sink in so it can ignite the passion within you that will change the world. Whatís your passion in life? What gets you totally cranked up? Each of us has been given a passion. The Creator has wired us with a burning desire deep within us. It has nothing to do with relationships. There is something we want to doóno, that we have to do. It could be teaching. It could be painting, writing, or building. Itís different for everyone, but the desire is the same and it wonít be ignored.
But so often we focus our energy and our desire on someone else. A person. A crush. We never get to explore that destiny we were designed for because weíre so busy trying to get someone to like us. We put our lives on hold because we think we will automatically accomplish all the great stuff when we get old. But the only reason we have to wait Ďtil we get old is that weíre too busy chasing hotties in high school. I have no doubt that most revolutionary things could have been done earlier if the people called to do them hadnít been messing around for so long. Just think about it. Get out a piece of paper right now and write down everything you would love to do. Make it big stuff: write a book, find the cure for cancer, backpack across Europe, swim with dolphins, restore an old hot rod, play college ball. Write down all the stuff you want to do in life.
Now look at your list. You can do these things. Iím not saying it wonít take a little effortóit will. But with energy behind your passion and focus behind your mission, you can begin to accomplish the things on your list today. Donít let your plans get distracted by the search for love. Dream big dreams and trust the Planner of the universe to bring you your big love. You have a mission. If you choose to accept it, you will soar with eagles. You will walk and not grow weary. You will run and not faint. That will last! The relationship wonít.
Screech! What did he just say?
You heard me. Whatever relationship you are in right now, whether you are 14, 15, 16, or even 18 years old, know this: It will not last! Period. The end. I know, you are sixteen and sooo into this guy or girlóbut understand that this relationship will not last. You will break up. It will end. It will hurt. It will get in the way of your purpose in life, and it will complicate things and distract you from your passion and destiny.
I know, I know. Iím wrong about your relationship. Itís different. Youíre the exception. Youíre right for each other. You can just feel it. You have so much in common. You like the same movies. You know each other so deeply that you even finish each otherís sentences. You know what the other is thinking. It hurts when youíre apart. Congrats! But that has nothing to do with it.
Hang with me now. I know itís a bummer to think about and even harder to accept. You may even refuse to accept it. But that doesnít change the fact that itís true. I may believe I donít have to wear clothes to school, but that doesnít mean Iím right. Just because you believe your relationship is different doesn't mean it is.
I ím not trying to throw a Valium in the middle of the upper moment you have going with your bf or gf, but you have to accept this fact. If you donít, dating will destroy you. It will rip you apart piece by piece. Crush by crush. But when(and only when) you accept the fact that it will not last, you can totally enjoy this dating thing.
of teen marriages
end in divorce
the age of 24.
-National Center for health Statistics
For those of you are die-hard romantics who have bought into Hollywood's version of Romeo-and-Juliet-teen-love-at-first-sight (movies which are usually played by actors who are on their third of fourth marriages, by the way), let's ply it this way. Check these facts: Out of 100 married people asked, 22 said that they married their high school crush. Sounds great, huh? Maybe there is hope. But check this: Out of those 22 people, 17 got divorced. So 5 out of 100 people between the ages of 18 and 89 are still married to their high school sweethearts. Ouch! So you and your crush have two optionsóone, get married; two, break up. That's it. Get married or break up. The percentages speak for themselves. Still not convinced? Try this.
The average age people get married is 25. So take 25 and subtract your age. We'll call your answer "years left" (see formula below). Thatís how many years you have left, on average, before you marry. Now, write down how many crushes you have had in the last 12 months. Got it? Now take the number of crushes and multiply it by your ďyears left.Ē The number you get is the number of crushes you will have before you get married.
|     25 - ______|
|= || ________|
number of crushes
in last 12 months
| X || ______ |
| = |
number of crushes
'til your find
Now if youíre one of those hardheads who thinks, ďIíll show him. We are different. Itís gonna work!Ē donít do something stupid like run out and get married and then call me to say, ďSee, I told you we were meant for each other.Ē No! Donít call me
We are talking
about your teenage
only, not your
after 2 years, or after 5, 10, or even 20 years. Give me a call after youíve been married 35 years. Then you can say l was wrong about your relationship. Youíll be about 52 years old. Call me and scream as loud as you can, ďI told you so!Ē I wonít hold my breath, though. See, getting married is not the issue. Anyone can do that. Itís staying married that is the goal.
Hereís why itís so important to accept that it will not last: If you hold onto the hope that your relationship will last and that you will defy all the odds, then you give away too much and waste your teen dating years. You end up so zoned on trying to make it work that you miss out on the best parts of the experience of dating. You set yourself up for failure. I want you to succeed. With the truth in this book, youíll know how to protect your heart and live with excitement and passion. Iím not knocking the dating process. I think it can be fun if you have the right goals in mind. I just donít want you to put so much pressure on the relationship that you take all the fun out of it. I want you to date, but even more I want you to be Dateable.
Let's break it down and check some of the hardcore issues. First, let me tell you where Iím starting from. You need to understand some solid truths. Letís start with some basic things we can agree on:
TRUTH:     Just because you date someone doesnít
mean you will marry them.
TRUTH:     Your dating experience will help shape
your married life.
TRUTH:     You will date several people before you
TRUTH:     Your spiritual beliefs have an impact on
your dating life.
We can all agree on these truths. This is our baseline. Now letís look at what accepting ďit will not lastĒ as a truth will do for you.
Totally accepting that the relationship will not last does not cheapen it or make it less important. In reality, it makes the relationship more valuable. You know that you only have it for a short time, so it becomes more important to you. You want to savor it more. You appreciate it more. You learn from it and protect it. If you truly understand that the relationship has an end, then the sweet little things will become important and the giant ugly thingsólike how he didnít callówill become no biggies. Would you rather waste your time freaking out about everything or enjoy the time you have? You know it wonít last forever, so yeah, you want to enjoy it while you can.
Also, when you accept the truth, the pressure off. A lot of lives are destroyed because of pressure to make a dating relationship work. If you believe that the relationship is meant to be, then you will do stupid things to keep it going. Thatís where couples can really mess up. You can get into a cycle that you just canít seem to get out of. You might get into sex to make the other person happy. You might try manipulation, violence, or using each other. You worry that your friends wonít understand or wonít like you if you break up. Or worse yet, your parents might get upset if you break up with ďthe perfect person.Ē Thatís just not cool. Donít let others force you into a relationship that isnít right.
Let me throw in a commercial here. Do not get your family deeply involved in your relationships. Let me repeat that: Do not get your family deeply involved.
Sure, you need to let them know who your friends are and who you are dating, but donít allow your dating life to get too tight with your family life. I mean, itís one thing to spend time with your bf/gf at home or hanging out with your family. Thatís not horrible, but itís a totally different issue to let your bf/gf get so involved in your family that they are as much of a fixture as you are. Theyíre not your significant other. And no one becomes part of your family until you marry them. Making them part of the fam is way too much pressure. And whatís worse is that it can make you get stuck in a relationship you want to get out of, because you not only have to break up with your crush, but you have to break up with the entire family. Itís just not healthy.
You don't have to worry about any of this if you start the relationship already knowing it will eventually end. You can relax. The end might come this week or it might come eight months from now. It's okay. Just part of the deal. And you wonít have to compromise who you are or what you believe just to feel accepted. If your boyfriend really wants you to have sex, you donít have to give in to try to keep him. Why would you?
So it will last another week? Hey, you can just consider this the end of the relationship. No big deal. You knew it was coming. Yeah, there will still be some pain, but nothing like there could have been (more on that in How Much You Put In Determines How Much It Will Hurt When It Ends). You are protected from a lot of pain because you understand that it isnít going to last anyway.
Now letís look at this from the spiritual side. God knows that if we get too caught up in chasing, catching, and hanging onto a crush, then we stop growing. We stop seeing his power. His mystery. His love. The Great Romancer wants to romance you. He wants to show you the sunsets and give you the falling stars. He wants you to run with passion after him. He wants to shape you. He wants to give you your dreams, your desires, your destiny. But he canít do that if your crush already has your total focus.
Dating is supposed to be fun. Itís supposed to be safe. But we invest way too much in trying to make it work out. If we just let go and understand that itís a short-term thing, then we get the most out of it. We learn about ourselves. We learn about others. We experience a crazy, fun part of life, and we donít get destroyed during the process. We end up stronger, happier, and more successful. We understand what makes us tick. What we like. What we donít like. We find that desire that God has placed in us. And we donít get chained to a dying relationship.
NOTE:   So far Iíve been talking mostly to the girls. You know why? ĎCause guys do not think itís going to last, as in married, forever, amen. Sure, he may tell you that you will be together forever. And it will seem like forever to him. But teen boys donít much about things down the road, like planning weddingsóthatís kind of a girl obsession. A guyís forever is more short-term than a girlís forever.
|No matter how|
much you talk
about the future,
guys do not
believe you will
So, girls, while you are planning your life together, heís thinking about his future. Heís thinking about what he wants to do with his life. Not your married life together! Marriage is not really a factor to him. Even if you decide to go to the same college to be with each other, you are still not the biggest issue in his life. And no, asking him if this is true will not clear things up. He will tell you what you want to hear, not the truth (see Guys Will Lie to You to Get What They Want).
All this doesnít mean guys are jerks and girls are great. It just means that we all have different ways of looking at things. The balance of the universe depends on this. Girls are home-buildersó-you create, you give birth, you nurture and protect your families. So you tend to be on the lookout for the perfect home, the perfect provider, the perfect husband. Itís the way youíre wired. Guys are huntersóthey have to go off to conquer and save the world. Itís the way they were designed. So it isnít being horrible jerks that makes them this way itís a well-designed plan. Once we all figure that out and are cool with it, we can start to have healthy relationships.
Now guys, you need to understand where the girls are coming from on this. They really think you are going to be together for the next 10 to 20 years, maybe even the rest of your life. As soon as a girl starts crushing on a guy, this whole dream world kicks into motion. She produces and directs this movie in her mind about the two of you. She sees the two of you laughing and playing together and you totally digging her. She is already picking out names for your kids.
Guys, hear me now, believe me later The girl who has a crush on you is practicing signing her first name with your last name! Donít think sheís not. She is! She starts that before you even start dating for real. She talks with her friends about all of this. They tell her how good you look together and they talk about what your kids will look like. This is even before you are officially going out. Donít laugh this off, guys. Itís for real.
You need to understand this, fellas, because we are the ones who make the problem worse. Itís like this. A girl starts liking us, and then we start telling her what she wants to hear:
"You are the most wonderful girl Iíve ever met.Ē
ďI feel so different when Iím with you.Ē
ďIíve never met anyone like you.Ē
ďI want to be with you forever.Ē
The catch is, guys know they aren't planning a marriage. If someone would push us to think about what weíre actually saying, we would know instantly that we donít mean it like that. Notice that I didnít say we donít mean it. We just donít mean it like that. We know that any hot girl will make us feel different when we are with her. We know thisóbut girls donít. They think our words are the honest, how-we-feel truth. Girls build their lives and dreams around these words. But for guys, they are just words that we hope will get the girl to like
So, guys, help!We are responsible here. Think about what youíre saying. You really know that it wonít last, so donít pretend. What you are doing is emotional abuse. See, sexual abuse is sex by force or manipulation, and emotional abuse is manipulation of emotions, playing with her feelings. Donít manipulate a girl by purposely saying things that she will misunderstand. Guys, you know that a girl who is crushing on you is going to hang on every word you say. She is going to build a fantasy romance, leaving her vulnerable and willing to do whatever she can to make it work with you. So you take the pureness inside of her, expose it, twist it, and force yourself between her imagination and her dreams. Then you rip it out, use it, destroy it, and leave her to pick up the shattered pieces. All the while, you knew you didnít believe all the stuff you said. You just said it.
STOP! Donít tell her you love her. Donít tell her you want to be with her forever. Itís not cool, even if thatís what you think right now. Because youíre abusing her emotionally if you do. As men, we have been given a responsibility. Take it and be a man.
The guy is in charge of the relationship. You canít let it get blown out of proportion into this ďforever-and-everĒ thing. Be careful with her heart. Protect it like a mighty warrior. Donít let anyone damage it, not even you. You are the protector.í
Some guys who are reading this are saying, ďThatís not me! I think itís gonna last Ďcause I love her. The way I feel is amazing. She is the one.Ē Okay, Iíll give you that. You do feel like it will last forever, so letís talk about that feeling. You canít eat, you canít sleep, you get butterflies in her presence, your palms sweat;. You feel like a total dork and it feels great. Newsflash for you: This isnít love. Itís somebody else besides your mother thinkingí you are cool. And itís an amazing feeling. Donít get me wrong, I dig it just as much as you do. But donít confuse the feeling with love. Love doesnít feel all mushy. Love isnít sweaty palms and sleepless nights. Love is a decision you make to care for someone no matter how you feel. If they are disfigured in an accident or throwing up for hours on end, you will still love them.
This is way important to understand because I want you to cherish your relationship for what it isóan amazing sign that you are accepted. Your relationship means you are special. You know that because someone who doesnít have to care about you does. Letís not bash that. Itís part of what gives you confidence and makes life exciting. But it isnít love. Have fun knowing you are lovable. Enjoy the acceptance of a non-family member, but remember, itís not love yet. Itís just a great feeling that you can enjoy for now.
The question becomes: Will it ever last? Yes! Donít worry. You will find someone that God has designed for you. You will find that soul connection you desire. Right now weíre just talking about your teen dating years. The rules totally change later on in life when marriage stuff comes into play. But until then, remember that it will not last.
I hope you can see that by believing the truth "It will not lastĒ you are not being exiled to a wasteland of the unDateable. Actually, it frees you to experience unimaginable excitement and control and sets you on track to being intensely Dateable.
Copyright © 2003 by Hungry Planet , LLC
Published by Fleming H. Revell
Used by permission. Unauthorized duplication prohibited.