And I did, for awhile. He gave up drinking, ate his veggies and accompanied me to church.
When our first child came along things went from bad to worse. We sought counseling, marriage conferences and joined a small marriage group to help us along. These things were useful,but never seemed to get to the heart of what was really wrong.
My husband rejected me physically so much I felt like a rat in a maze electrocuted every time it reached for the cheese. Years passed this way as we fell into a relationship that was more like brother and sister. For someone whose love language is touch, I was dying a slow, excruciating death.
I talked to him about it time and again, but it did little good. I prayed, but it didn’t seem to change anything. Night after night, I cried on my knees before God. I felt so ugly, so unlovable, so alone. The pain became unbearable. It literally felt like I had a knife lodged in my heart. My husband could not, or would not, put into words why he didn’t want me.
I tried to talk with a few close friends and family about my situation, hoping someone could make sense of it.I got little sympathy and a lot of smirks. A woman rejecting her husband is common enough. A man rejecting his wife sounds like the start of a bad joke.I would get answers like, “Man, you’re lucky. My husband won’t leave me alone.”
I sat beside him in church, fighting not to cry as husbands wrapped their arms around their wives. I tried to put my hand in his, only to have him drop it.
The only explanation seemed that I was fatally unattractive. I asked if dying my hair, losing weight, or getting breast implants would make him want me. I would have done almost anything. His answer was absolutely not. He said I was beautiful.
I didn’t believe him. If I was, he would want me.
I began to seriously wonder if he was secretly gay, until I discovered he was renting pornography. I can’t tell you what it feels like to realize the only person on earth you’re allowed to have a physical relationship with would rather fill his needs with a stranger on TV, than you.
During this time of loneliness and confusion I found myself attracted to other men. Knowing it was a symptom of our hurting marriage, I confessed to my husband, pleadingfor change.
His reaction was amusement.
I sunk into hopelessness. Little did I understand the transformation occurring in my soul. The good that God had promised even from evil was being worked.