|Mister God, This Is Anna|
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Anna was only four years old when Fynn found her on London's fog-shrouded docks. He took her back to his mother's home, and from that first moment, their times together were filled with delight and discovery. Anna had an astonishing abililty to ask--and to answer--life's questions. Her total openness and honesty amazed all who knew her. She seemed to understand with uncanny certainity the purpose of being, the essence of feeling, the beauty of love. You see, Anna had a very special friendship with Mister God.
|"The difference from a person and an angel is easy. Most of an angel is on the
inside and most of a person is on the outside."
These are the words of six-year-old Anna, sometimes called Mouse, Hum, or Joy.
At five years old, Anna knew absolutely the purpose of being, knew the meaning
of love, and was a personal friend and helper of Mister God. At six, Anna was a
theologian, mathematician, philosopher, poet, and gardener. If you asked her a
question you would always get an answerin due course. On some occasions the
answer would be delayed for weeks or months; but eventually, in her own good
time, the answer would come: direct, simple, and much to the point.
She never made eight years; she died by an accident. She died with a grin on her
beautiful face. She died saying, "I bet Mister God lets me get into heaven for
this." And I bet he did too.
I knew Anna for just about three and a half years. Some people lay claim to fame
by being the first person to sail around the world alone, or to stand on the
moon, or by some other act of bravery. All the world has heard of such people.
Not many people have heard of me, but I, too, have a claim to fame; for I knew
Anna. To me this was the high peak of adventure. This was no casual knowing; it
required total application. For I knew her on her own terms, the way she
demanded to be known: from the inside first. "Most of an angel is in the
inside," and this is the way I learned to know hermy first angel. Since then I
have learned to know two other angels, but that's another story.
My name is Fynn. Well that's not quite true; my real name doesn't matter all
that much since my friends all called me Fynn and it stuck. If you know your
Irish mythology you will know that Fynn was pretty big; me too. Standing about
six feet two, weighing some 225 pounds, close to being a fanatic on physical
culture, the son of an Irish mother and a Welsh father, with a passion for hot
dogs and chocolate raisinsnot together, I may add. My great delight was to
roam about dock- land in the night-time, particularly if it was foggy.
|My life with Anna began on such a night. I was nineteen at the time, prowling
the streets and alleys with my usual supply of hot dogs, the street lights with
their foggy halos showing dark formless shapes moving out from the darkness of
the fog and disappearing again. Down the street a little way, a baker's shop
window softened and warmed the raw night with its gas lamps. Sitting on the
grating under the window was a little girl. In those days children wandering the
streets at night were no uncommon sight. I had seen such things before, but on
this occasion it was different. How or why it was different has long since been
forgotten except that I am sure it was different. I sat down beside her on the
grating, my back against the shop front. We stayed there about three hours.
Looking back over thirty years, I can now cope with those three hours; but at
the time I was on the verge of being destroyed. That November night was pure
hell; my guts tied themselves into all manner of complicated knots.
Perhaps even then something of her angelic nature caught hold of me; I'm quite
prepared to believe that I had been bewitched from the beginning. I sat down
with "Shove up a bit, Tich." She shoved up a bit but made no comment.
"Have a hot dog," I said.
She shook her head and answered, "It's yours."
"I got plenty. Besides, I'm full up," I said.
She made no sign, so I put the bag on the grating between us. The light from
the shop window wasn't very strong and the kid was sitting in the shadows so I
couldn't see what she looked like except that she was very dirty. I could see
that she clutched under one arm a rag doll and on her lap a battered old paint
We sat there for thirty minutes or so in complete silence; during that time I
thought there had been a movement of her hand toward the hot dog bag but I
didn't want to look or comment in case I put her off. Even now I can feel the
immense pleasure I had when I heard the sound of that hot dog skin popping under
the bite of her teeth. A minute or two later she took a second and then a third.
I reached into my pocket and brought out a packet of Woodbines.
"Do you mind if I smoke while you're eating, Tich?" I asked.
"What?" She sounded a little alarmed.
"Can I have a cigarette while you're eating?"
She rolled over and got to her knees and looked me in the face.
"Why?" she said.
"My Mum's a stickler for politeness. Besides, you don't blow smoke in a lady's
face when she's eating," I said.
She stared at half a hot dog for a moment or two, and looking at me fully, she
said, "Why? Do you like me?"
"You have a cigarette then," and she smiled at me and popped the rest of the hot
dog into her mouth.
|I took out a Woodbine and lit up and offered her the match to blow out. She
blew, and I was sprayed with bits of hot dog. This little accident produced such
a reaction in her that I felt that I had been stabbed in the guts. I had seen a
dog cringe before, but never a child. The look she gave me filled me with
horror. She expected a thrashing. She clenched her teeth as she waited for me to
What my face registered I don't know, perhaps anger and violence, or shock and
confusion. Whatever it was, it produced from her the most piteous whimper. I
can't describe this sound after all these years; no words are fitting. The
feeling I can still taste, can still experience. My heart faltered at the sound,
and something came undone inside me. My clenched fist hit the pavement beside
me, a useless gesture in response to Anna's fears. Did I think of that image
then, that image which I now think of, the only one that fits the occasion? That
perfection of violence, that ultimate horror and bewilderment of Christ
crucified. That terrible sound that the child made was a sound that I never wish
to hear again. It attacked my emotional being and blew a fuse.
After a moment or two I laughed. I suppose that the human mind can only stand so
much grief and anguish. After that, the fuses blow. With me, the fuses blew in a
big way. The next few minutes I know very little aboutexcept that I laughed
and laughed. Then I realized that the kid was laughing too. No shrunken bundle
of fearshe was laughing. Kneeling on the pavement and leaning forward with her
face close to mine, and laughinglaughing. So very many times in the next three
years I heard her laughterno silver bells or sweet rippling sounds was her
laughter, but like a five-year-old's bellow of delight, a cross between a
puppy's yelp, a motorbike, and a bicycle pump.
I put my hands on her shoulders and held her off at arm's length, and then came
that look that is entirely Anna'smouth wide open, eyes popping out of her
head, like a whippet straining at the leash. Every fiber of that little body was
vibrating and making a delicious sound. Legs and arms, toes and fingers, the
whole of that little body shook and trembled like Mother Earth giving birth to a
volcano. And what a volcano was released in that child!
Outside that baker's shop in dockland on a foggy November night I had the
unusual experience of seeing a child born. After the laughter had quieted off a
bit, but while her little body was still thrumming like a violin string, she
tried to say something, but it wouldn't come out properly. She managed a
After some little time and a great deal of effort she managed, "You love me,
Even had it not been true, I could not have said no to save my life; true or
false, right or wrong, there was only one answer. I said yes.
|Even had it not been true, I could not have said no to save my life; true or
false, right or wrong, there was only one answer. I said yes.
She gave a little giggle, and pointing a finger at me, said, "You love me," and
then broke into some primitive gyration around the lamppost, chanting, "You love
me. You love me. You love me."
Five minutes of this and she came back and sat down on the grating. "It's nice
and warm for your bum, ain't it?" she said.
I agreed it was nice for your bum.
A moment later: "I ain't arf firsty." So we upped and went along to the pub just
down the road. I bought a large bottle of stout. She wanted "one of them ginger
pops with the marble in the neck." So she had two ginger pops and some more hot
dogs from an all-night coffee stall.
"Let's go back and get our bums warm again," she grinned at me. Back we went and
sat on the grating, a big un and a little un.
I don't suppose that we drank more than a half of the drinks, for it seemed that
the idea of a fizzy drink was to shake it vigorously and then let it shoot up
into the air. After a few showers of ginger pop and a determined effort to do
the nose trick, she said, "Now do it to yourn."
I'm sure even then that this was not a request but an order. I shook hard and
long and then let fly with the stopper and we both were covered with frothy
The next hour was filled with giggles and hot dogs, ginger pop and chocolate
raisins. The occasional passerby was yelled at: "Oi, Mister, he loves me, he
do." Running up the steps of a nearby building she shouted, "Look at me. I'm
bigger than you."